وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا

أُحب أحَدَهُما أكثر لكني أخشي فُراق الآخَر.

فإذا ماتَ الأوَل, سأنتهي.

وإذا ماتَ الآخر, سأعيش أتمني الإنتهاء.
ذلك أصعَب. 

every time

  Chuckle. They're funny. Or they seem to you that way. Normal boy girl attraction. You take the salt shaker and pass it over the table with your loud friends' banter and they grab it form your hand. The shape of their hands. Sexual tension. Locking eyes. Late night chats. Very indirect admiration. Perfectly concealed jealousy. Unspoken rules set. Infinite conversations. Pounding hearts. Minutes staring at phones. Heart skipping a beat when receiving a notification and it's from them. Heart skipping a beat when it's not. Talk. Joke. tease. Flirt. Know. Argue. Discuss. Grin. Dream. Daydream. Make excuses. Smile into the nothing. Over-expect. Pause.
  You wait and wait. You really wanna run and ask and call but pride. Music. Doodles. Imaginary dialogues. Anxiousness. Forgive them? Forget it? Give them the benefit of the doubt? Not working. Blame them. Nervousness. Can't complain because you were never really a thing. Were you? Weren't you? Re-reading messages. Re-living moments. Again, music.
  Try to subside it. Remember it every now and then. Smile into the nothing. Smile fades quickly leaving bitter trails. You cope. You move on. At last, you're okay. You're fine. You're good.


 Then they show up.
With no signs. They show up after a million seconds with a casual 'hey'. No, you don't show up after a million seconds with a casual 'hey'. 

Me, receiving a heartfelt compliment

"haha, thank you. I'm really bad at this but thanks, it means a lot.."*

*you know what, you actually made my day. I woke up searching for my coffee mug which I couldn't fine anywhere even though I live alone in a room, I mean where can it possibly be?I don't believe in ghosts. I smiled at the guy in the lift and he went all grumpy on me. People get on my nerves sometimes. Like that guy I crossed while jogging with a Marlboro T-shirt on. He's probably going all animal rights but switches TV channels when it's the news about other humans across the globe. Ugly schizophrenic world. Then later today, I read an online article about the doubts in the existence of God so I thought to myself while studying physics, which I'm failing tomorrow by the way, how every action has equal and opposite reaction, how energy can't be created or destroyed, and  how your life can never be equal to a war soldier, an orphan, a serial killer or my friend who recently died young in a car accident. There has to be an afterlife for the equation to balance, a creator, a doer, which brings us back to my coffee mug that I found sitting in the most obvious place when I got home today. How can we not see things that are right in front of our eyes the whole time? Anyway, I had a long bad day and you made it up for me. Thank you.

blank

I came here to write something about you. I was hoping it's gonna be something with really simple words, you know, like a hazy beautiful scenery kinda picture as a background with my handwritten simple words all over it. Nothing is coming out but I want you to know I wanted to write about you anyway. I don't know.

Dimensional kisses

where the heavy grocery bags left their finger tips blue while they carried them back home lonesomely.
 where they were groped.
  where the sandals cut their skin.
   where the jeans waist carved itself on their bodies.
    on their eyebrows, upper lip and underarms where it hurt for you.
Don't just press lips.

Things that made me momentarily genuinely happy today:

•   Today, I forgot my ruler in my lecture so first thing that came in mind was my student ID card with its sharp edges to use instead, only to notice that about three random guys in the rows ahead of me were already ruling with their cards. Dress differently, fight, have tattoos all you want, underneath we're the exact same. 

I can't think of anything else.  

Stains

Younger me used to cry when I accidently spill something on my favorite dress because it's ruined forever. Now I just take it as an excuse to cry my whole day out, and strip naked from all the suffocating clothes and the formalities and the pretending and stop eating and question what have I been doing with my life for the last six months and if I will ever meet someone that will go casually like "You know what, I used to think that if you stained the whole piece of cloth, then problem solved and mom won't notice" and I would say "OH NO? me too" and then I'd laugh the whole day out instead.